period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
God, I missed his penis.
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