I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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