don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Randomize
