Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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