You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
