I look better un-naked...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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