I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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