Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
