Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
