Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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