i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
