Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
