they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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