we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
