hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
