Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
