I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Even my vagina gasped.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
