dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
