Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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