im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
