you should give me head with plastic fangs in
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
sex in a hospital.. check
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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