so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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