turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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