I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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