Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
sarcasm needs its own font
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
