update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
