I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
