i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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