... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You need Xanax blowdarts
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize