Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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