finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
