Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
