Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
