You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
