I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
