Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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