He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
