there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
