im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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