Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
