so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
