I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
