Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
