Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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