Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
