I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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