Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize