Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
