We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
