In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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