All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My butt remains clenched, sir.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
