someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize