Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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