i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
