you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
